3 Steps to Improving Self-Esteem

Part of developing self-esteem is reframing and restructuring negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. However, at the same time, it's important to increase our awareness and attention to positive things about ourselves - to not only decrease negative thoughts and beliefs, but also to actually increase positive thoughts and beliefs.

This can be pretty challenging for people who have low self-esteem, because our minds naturally filter information through our existing beliefs and expectations. If we have negative beliefs and expectations, we are likely to notice and remember everything that might support these beliefs and expectations, but we probably don't even notice all the things that contradict our negative beliefs and expectations. In other words, the positive things exist, but we may not see them because we don't expect them to be there!

To help you become more aware of your positive aspects, follow these three steps:

Step 1: Make a List of Positive Qualities

Because it's hard to notice the positives, it is important to start writing them down. This first step is the most difficult of the three. Make a list of positive aspects of yourself, including all your good characteristics, strengths, talents, and achievements. Set aside a specific time to do this, and write the list somewhere you will be able to find it again.

Write as many positive things about yourself as you can think of…there is no limit. Include everything no matter how small, insignificant, modest, or unimportant they are! Exhaust all avenues and brainstorm as many ideas as possible (there are some suggestions below to help). If you run out of ideas, take a break. Come back to it over the course of a few days, until you have a substantial list of your positives.

Some questions that might help you come up with things include:

• What do I like about who I am?
• What characteristics do I have that are positive?
• What are some of my achievements?
• What are some challenges I have overcome?
• What are some skills or talents that I have?
• What do others say they like about me? What do people say my strengths are?
• What are some attributes I like in others that I also have in common with?
• If someone shared my identical characteristics, what would I admire in them?
• How might someone who cared about me describe me?
• What do I think are bad qualities? What bad qualities do I not have?

Enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member – someone you know would be supportive of you doing this, rather than someone who may be critical or contribute to lowering your self-esteem. Two heads are better than one and an outsider might have a more objective perspective of you than you do of yourself. Who knows what nice things you might discover about yourself with their help?

Watch out for negative self-evaluations or discounting positives as “small” or “no big deal” or “not worth writing.” You tend to remember detailed negative things about yourself, therefore do the same with the positives – it is only fair! Also remember, you don’t have to do these positive things absolutely perfectly or 100% of the time – that is impossible. So be realistic about what you write down - something that you generally are or do is a true positive, even though there will always be exceptions to any positive - for all of us!

Once you have a list, re-read the things you write, over and over. Reflect on what you have written - and resist critical or doubtful thoughts about it. Let the positive qualities pile up and ‘sink in.’ This is important so that you learn to notice these things and feel more comfortable acknowledging them, rather than just giving them lip-service.

Step 2: Identify Past Examples of Your Positive Qualities

Once you have a list of your positive qualities, the next step is to recall specific examples of how you have demonstrated each of the positive attributes you listed. Fold a piece of paper in half. On the left, write the first item on your positive qualities list. On the right, list as many examples as you can come up with to provide evidence of that positive quality. Consider events, experiences, successes, achievements, feedback you've gotten, etc., both recently and throughout your life up to this point.

Leave plenty of space to add examples as you remember them, then move on to the second item on your list, and so on, until you have examples for each of your positive qualities. By doing so, you will make each attribute more than just meaningless words on a page. Instead, each attribute will become a real, specific, and detailed memory of something that actually happened. In the process, you may also recognize additional positive qualities that your examples suggest. Add those to your first list, too!

This process will take some time, but is worth the effort. Remembering specific incidents that illustrate your positive qualities will allow the list to have an impact on your self-esteem.

Step 3: Notice Examples of Positive As They Happen

After spending time recalling past examples of your positive qualities, it's time to recognize examples of your positive attributes on a daily basis. This should be an ongoing exercise – something to do every day. Each day, try to record three examples from your day that illustrate certain positive qualities you have. Write exactly what you did and identify what positive attribute it shows in you. Start with noticing three a day if you can (you can always start with fewer if necessary), but try to build from there, increasing it to 4, or 5 or 6. By doing this, you will not only be acknowledging your positive qualities as things you did in the past, but also acknowledging them as things you are every day. 

This process will take time. Don't try to rush through it. Instead, give yourself time to actually experience and come to believe the things you are writing down. Over time, taking these steps will help you develop a positive self-image that is connected to your past, embedded in the present, and carries forward into the future.

Self Concept: Self-Image, Ideal Self, and Self-Esteem

Self-Concept

The term self-concept is a general term used to refer to how someone thinks about or perceives themselves. To be aware of oneself is to have a concept of oneself. One definition of self-concept is: “the individual’s belief about himself or herself, including the person’s attributes and who and what the self is."

Self-concept includes two different experiences of the self:

(1)   The Existential Self

This is the most basic part of the self-scheme or self-concept; the sense of being separate and distinct from others and the awareness of the constancy of the self” (Bee, 1992).

The child realizes that they exist as a separate entity from others and that they continue to exist over time and space. According to Lewis, awareness of the existential self begins as young as two to three months old and arises in part due to the relation the child has with the world. For example, the child smiles and someone smiles back, or the child touches a mobile and sees it move.

(2) The Categorical Self

Having realized that he or she exists as a separate experiencing being, the child next becomes aware that he or she is also an object in the world. Just as other objects including people have properties that can be experienced (big, small, red, smooth and so on) so the child is becoming aware of him or her self as an object which can be experienced and which has properties. The self too can be put into categories such as age, gender, size or skill. Two of the first categories to be applied are age (“I am 3”) and gender (“I am a girl”).

In early childhood. The categories children apply to themselves are very concrete (e.g. hair color, height and favorite things). Later, self-description also begins to include reference to internal psychological traits, comparative evaluations and to how others see them.

Beyond these basic ways of experiencing the self, self-concept encompasses 3 things:

• The view you have of yourself (Self-image)
• How much value you place on yourself (Self-esteem or self-worth)
• What you wish you were really like (Ideal self)

Self-Image

Your self-image is what you see in yourself. It does not necessarily have to reflect reality. Indeed a person with an eating disorder may be thin but have a self-image of being fat. A person's self image is affected by many factors, such as parental influences, friends, the media etc.

Our self-image includes:

1) Physical Description: I’m tall, have brown eyes...etc.

2) Social Roles: We are all social beings whose behavior is shaped to some extent by the roles we play. Such roles as student, housewife, or member of the football team not only help others to recognize us but also help us to know what is expected of us in various situations.

3) Personal Traits: These are a third dimension of our self-descriptions. “I’m impulsive...I’m generous...I tend to worry a lot”...etc.

4) Existential Statements (abstract ones): These can range from "I’m a child of the universe" to "I’m a human being" to "I’m a spiritual being"...etc.

Typically, young people describe themselves more in terms of personal traits, whereas older people feel defined to a greater extent by their social roles.

Ideal Self

Ideal self refers to how you wish you were, and how you think you should be. It is shaped by your life experiences, messages you received from other people about how you should be, cultural values, and things you admired in role models.

Where a person’s ideal self and self-image are consistent or very similar, a state of congruence exists. If there is a mismatch between how you see yourself (your self-image) and what you’d like to be (your ideal self), then this is likely to affect how much you value yourself. Therefore, there is an intimate relationship between self-image, ideal self, and self-esteem. A person’s ideal self may not be consistent with their actual experience, or what is even possible. This is called incongruence.

Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Self-esteem refers to the extent to which we like, accept, or approve of ourselves; or how much we value ourselves. Self-esteem always involves a degree of evaluation, and we may have either a positive or a negative view of ourselves.

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM: we have a positive view of ourselves. This tends to lead to

• Confidence in our own abilities
• Self-acceptance
• Not worrying excessively about what others think
• Optimism

LOW SELF-ESTEEM: we have a negative view of ourselves. This tends to lead to

• Lack of confidence
• Wanting to be/look like someone else
• Always worrying what others might think
• Pessimism

However, self-esteem is changeable, and varies from situation to situation. For example, in one study, participants waiting for a job interview were seated next to someone they were told was another candidate, but was really working with the researcher. Some of them sat next to “Mr. Clean,” who was dressed in nice suit, carrying a briefcase. Others sat next to “Mr. Dirty,” who was dressed in an old T-shirt and jeans, slouched over a trashy novel.

The self-esteem of participants with Mr. Dirty increased while those with Mr. Clean decreased! No mention made of how this affected subjects’ performance in interview. However, other studies have shown that level of self-esteem affects performance at numerous tasks, so we could expect Mr. Dirty subjects to perform better than Mr. Clean.

Even though self-esteem might fluctuate, there are times when we continue to believe things about ourselves even when there is evidence to the contrary. This is known as the perseverance effect. That means if we believe negative things about ourselves, we are likely to maintain those beliefs regardless of what is really true.

Our early experiences, particularly messages we received from our parents, have a significant influence on our self-esteem. Four aspects of our current experience also influence self-esteem:

1)      THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. If people admire us, flatter us, seek out our company, listen attentively and agree with us we tend to develop a positive self-image. If they avoid us, neglect us, tell us things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear, we develop a negative self-image.

2)      COMPARISON WITH OTHERS. If the people we compare ourselves with (our reference group) appear to be more successful, happier, richer, better looking than (we think) we are we tend to develop negative self-esteem. BUT if they are less successful, etc., than we are, our self-esteem will be positive.

3)      SOCIAL ROLES. Some social roles carry prestige, e.g. doctor, TV personality, professional athlete, and this promotes self-esteem. Other roles carry stigma, e.g. ex-con, maid, day laborer, garbage collector, and may lower self-esteem

4)      IDENTIFICATION. Roles aren’t just “out there.” They also become part of our personality i.e. we identity with the positions we occupy, the roles we play and the groups we belong to.

In(ter)dependence Day

Today is Independence Day in the United States. It celebrates the country's separation from Britain - its existance as an "independent" nation. Many countries have similar holidays, at various times during the year, because many people and cultures see independence as something to celebrate (and yes, also because of widespread colonialism that preceded independence). We like getting to decide for ourselves how we want to structure and govern our countries, to feel like we at least have a say in decisions that affect us. Nobody likes "taxation without representation!"

Independence is also something that is important to many people on a personal level. Particularly in the Western world, independence - both emotional and financial - is held up as an ideal toward which we are encouraged to strive. Unfortunately, striving for the elusive ideal of independence can cause dissatisfaction and unhappiness for too many people, who feel worse about themselves because of their (normal) perceived dependence on others for emotional or material support. As a result, independence and dependence are often themes in therapy - for example, as a motivation for change, as a loss associated with symptoms, as a contributor to stress or (low) self-esteem.

Now don't get me wrong - there is certainly some benefit to feeling independent. It provides a sense of competence and mastery that contribute to ego strength, and a sense of agency and engagement with life that keeps us alert and motivated. It facilitates child development, and improves functioning in old age. However, that beneficial feeling of independence can occur without ever meeting the independent ideal - the expectation that we will be able to function independently in every facet of life.

In fact, our inability to reach to ideal, even when we're feeling independent, can detract from our experience of independence - we minimize or dismiss our achievements because we are still short of the ideal. The solution? It's not, as many clients suppose, to redouble our efforts toward the ideal. Instead, the solution is to change our ideal.

Humans were not created to be "independent." We are social animals, and it's normal to turn to other humans for help and support. In fact, relying on each other is healthier than striving for complete and total independence. We are designed to be interdependent. That means that we depend upon each other in a social group, and wider society, to share both responsibilities and benefits. After all, most of us have areas of life that are a struggle, and/or go through periods of struggle in our lives. However, "depending" on others in this way is not "dependence" because it is mutual - we also help sustain others in areas and times that are not a struggle for us. We enrich each other's lives, and that is as it should be.

I had this conversation with a group I was running last week. They were adament that they should not "burden" anyone in their lives with their problems, and that the best thing they could do for loved ones would be to pretend everything is fine. I suggested that this was unfair to others - and not selfless, as they imagined. I encouraged them to consider the possibility that other people they care about actually want to care about and support them in return...and that by refusing to accept support, they were depriving their loved ones of the chance to do so.

Yes, relying on others can feel vulnerable, and sometimes lead to disappointment. However, I contend that we also feel vulnerable and disappointed when we're striving for an unreachable ideal. If we choose to strive for interdependence rather than independence, we may just discover that the vulnerability and disappointment are fleeting, the sense of connection sustains us, and the mutual support and "dependence" enriches our lives.

After all, when it comes down to it, even our countries are not truly "independent" - for example, look how strongly our economies have turned out to depend upon other countries' financial condition! Therefore, given our reliance on one another, let's forego Independence Day, and celebrate Interdependence Day instead. Any takers?

Football as Metaphor

Here in the U.S., we're in the midst of football playoffs, with the Super Bowl only a few weeks away. Even people who aren't that interested in football are beginning to pay attention (especially if their city's team is still playing). Come Super Bowl Sunday, betting pools will have been set up at offices across the country, and everyone will be talking about the game...or the commercials!

So, what's with our obsession with football? 

Freud would have a field day with football. Think about it: it's basically socially-sanctioned aggression governed by (somewhat arbitrary and hard to follow) rules. Thus, football can be seen as a vivid illustration of the ego's management of the id's aggressive drive via the superego's code of conduct....

But that may be a reach. Perhaps it just boils down to the emphasis our culture places on competition. From an early age, we learn to compare ourselves to one another. Initially, comparison focuses only on how we are the same as or different from each other (peer pressure usually encourages sameness, and creates distress over difference). However, it's not long before comparison becomes more about ranking who is better - smarter, stronger, taller, faster. In other words, comparison becomes competition. 

Childhood is full of opportunities for competition (e.g., grades, school sports, etc.), but competition is more oblique in adulthood. We struggle to measure our worth in comparison to each other using things like money, cars, and other status symbols, or clubs, activities, and good deeds. However, none of these things can clearly determine who is "best." That lack of clarity may be unsatisfying, or even anxiety-provoking. 

Enter professional sports, where adult competition results in clear winners and losers. However, football is different from other sports, at least in the U.S., in that the other sports structure their play-offs around multi-game series, while football is single-elimination. A multi-game series, where the title goes to whichever team wins the more games overall, rather than to the winner of a single game, acknowledges the reality that people have good days and bad days, and that being "best" is more about an average over time rather than a single performance. That seems more like reality to me (life is messy, we all vary in how well we do things, and success is more about consistency over time), but also more anxiety-provoking and less satisfying than the illusion of a clear winner arising from a single contest.

Really, neither system of determining a "winner" tends to be satisfying in the long run: the next season arrives before you know it, and everyone has to prove themselves all over again. I think that is a good parallel for real life - if we structure our lives around competition, we never get to our desired end-point, because there's always another opponent, and there's usually someone who's better that we are in some way. 

Instead, life tends to be more satisfying when we structure it around connection rather than competition. It is relationships rather than comparisons with one another that make life meaningful. After all, while you can never rest on your laurels as the best ____, you can rest in the knowledge that you are cared for and about. 

So, come Super Bowl Sunday, regardless of which team you're rooting for, I'd encourage you to focus at least as much on the people around you as the ones on the television screen. Whatever the game's outcome, if you have connection and companionship, you've won!

New Year, New You?

I suppose this could be considered a continuation of my last post on New Year's Resolutions, but while that post focused on the change process, today I want to focus on what, specifically, our culture suggests we try to change as we turn over a "new leaf" for the New Year.

I'm struck by the catch-phrase "New Year, New You," seen in print and television ads (and of course, on line), linked with a plethora of products to help us "upgrade" to a newer, better version of ourselves. Many, if not most, of these products are related to weight loss (diet pills, appetite suppressants, scales, nutrition shakes and bars, pre-made low calorie meal plans, exercise plans or equipment, etc, etc, etc). Then, for those who don't want to lose weight, come the "healthy living" products - super foods, supplements of everything under the sun, probiotics, more nutrition shakes and bars, more exercise plans and equipment.... And of course, we have programs and advice for finding that "special someone" - books, events, and dating websites galore. I've also seen books and television clips on making more money, changing spending habits, communicating more effectively, getting a new job or house...you get the idea.

We all get the idea: We're not ok the way we are, and if we're not working to change and improve...something...there's even more wrong with us.

I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time trying to help my clients to feel better about themselves for who they are, the way they are. Sure, therapy is about change...but often about changing all the problems that have arisen from the client's belief that she or he is not ok, but inadequate, flawed, worthless, ugly, a misfit...etc. Indeed, one of the dialects in DBT is acceptance and change. The premise is that, while a sole focus on acceptance negates change, focusing on change without acceptance of oneself/the client the way one/she or he is can be demoralizing and interfere with change. Conversely, accepting oneself paradoxically makes it easier and less threatening to work toward change.

So, instead of a "new you" this year, considering trying out a new attitude toward the "same old" you. You may be surprised by the results!