Technology and Relationships

I’ve been without a computer at home for a week now, and I’m going through serious withdrawal! I know it’s only for two weeks, while my computer is in the shop, and I can check email and do other simple things on other devices, but I still can’t wait to get my computer back. Nevertheless, it provides a useful opportunity to reflect on the ever-expanding role technology plays in our lives.

Most of us spend most of our time linked to technology. If we’re not actively using an electronic device, we have our cell phones close at hand, promising instant access to friends and family, information, and entertainment. Sure, we can live without that kind of instant access, but we’d rather not. Sometimes it’s just a matter of convenience: it’s easier to make decisions about…well, anything really…if you have all the information at your fingertips. For example, we can now go shopping at one store and simultaneously find out what the prices are at competing stores.

Other times, our tie to technology seems more than a matter of convenience. A telltale sign that our technology has a greater significance is the anxiety one feels when separated from it. This anxiety isn’t really explained by the loss of convenience. I think it points instead to technology’s role as a transitional object - a stand-in for important relationships in our lives. Because we use technology to connect with other people in “real time,” the technology itself comes to symbolize the relationships. Even when we’re not actively connecting with someone, we may be able to see their online “presence” (e.g., the little colored dots that show up next to the names of friends/contacts on facebook, email programs, etc), reassuring us that we are in fact still connected.

Technology as a stand-in for relationships can be helpful and healthy, when (like traditional transitional objects) it is a temporary placeholder for actual relationships with real people we interact with in person. It becomes problematic when it instead becomes either a replacement for real relationships, or gets in the way of real relationships (for example, my pet peeve, people busily text message other people instead of interacting with the person they’re actually “spending time” with).

Perhaps the most likely people to have technology take on an unhealthy role in their lives are the ones who already struggle with relationships – people who are socially awkward, have been bullied or teased, are isolated/withdrawn, have social anxiety, agoraphobia, or are on the autism spectrum. In other words, many of the people we see for therapy.

I’d argue that part of our role as therapists is to assess our clients’ use of technology, to determine whether it is a healthy addition to their lives, or an attempt to replace the need we all have for real human contact. The challenge becomes bridging the gap from technology to real, human interaction, for those who struggle with the latter. Therapy itself, as a face-to-face human relationship, is a good start. Group therapy or support groups may be even better. Beyond that, it’s a matter of encouraging baby steps toward socialization – speaking to the cashier at the supermarket, calling the theater to ask for show times (yes, you could just get them on your phone, but call just for the practice!), ordering at a restaurant, etc.

How do you think bout people’s use of technology (your own and your clients)? How do you encourage more socialization when your clients prefer to hide behind technology?

Transitional Objects

Transitional Objects are most often identified as those preferred comfort items of childhood - usually a special blanket or stuffed toy. A child will usually begin to favor a special item during the first year of life, and will stay attached to that item throughout preschool (and sometimes longer).

A transitional object is an "object" in that it's a tangible thing, but more importantly (from an Object Relations perspective) in that it's a stand-in for important attachment figures (i.e., parents or guardians). At an age when the child has trouble maintaining a sense that the parent exists and will return when the parent is out of sight, the transitional object represents the soothing continuation of the parent's love. Having such an object allows the child to be more independent, explore, go to daycare...basically, tolerate separation from safe people and places, by carrying a piece of these safe "objects" along with them. As children age, they begin to feel safer in the world, and also become able to maintain a sense of connection to important people in their lives even when those people are absent. As a result, the transitional object gradually fades in importance until it's just a nostalgic memento.

My transitional object in childhood was a stuffed duck named BP. I carried him around everywhere, as long as my parents let me. I slept with him every night as a child. He's on his third beak (yes, I still have him, set aside in a safe place). Once, when I was 3 or 4, my mom packed him in checked luggage when we went to visit family...and the luggage was lost. I had a back-up stuffed animal, but couldn't sleep without BP. I remember sitting on the stoop at my relatives' house, waiting for the airport to deliver the luggage as it got dark. Thankfully, it hadn't taken them long to track down those bags!

However, transitional objects aren't only for children. In other ways, we find them at work in therapy. Not long ago, one of my colleagues expressed discomfort that a client was "hearing" my colleague's words to self-soothe during periods of distress. I thought it was a great sign - that the client's internalization of an attachment to the therapist, and ability to use that internalization to cope with difficulty, represented good therapeutic work. However, when the internalization of the therapist as a good object isn't as strong, a tangible object can serve as a bridge, and help the process of recovery along.

Transitional objects may be particularly useful when there are interruptions in the work - for example, when the therapist goes on vacation. It can also serve as a bridge during and after termination - a link to the therapist, to help the client venture forth independently, a tangible symbol of their growth, or a representation of the attachment until an attachment to a new therapist can be established.

Do you ever use transitional objects in your practice? When do they seem helpful, and when less so?